


goner

by wolfsbanex



Category: NCT (Band)
Genre: Depression, Drama, Hurt, M/M, Main Character Suicide, Sad Ending, Self-Harm, Suicide Letters, This will hurt
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2018-04-25
Updated: 2018-04-25
Packaged: 2019-04-28 00:02:57
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Major Character Death
Chapters: 1
Words: 898
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/14437071
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/wolfsbanex/pseuds/wolfsbanex
Summary: Jaehyun reads Taeyongs suicide letter for the first time after his passing.





	goner

**Author's Note:**

> ENGLISH ISN'T MY FIRST LANGUAGE!  
> \- this was really hard for me to translate. ( from german to english )  
> \- what you're about to read is the suicide letter that i wrote. I choose to publish it like this because i don't have any other way to cope with my pain.  
> \- i won't tell you to enjoy this, because it won't be enjoyable.

Today I decided that I will die. Not right now, not tomorrow. Maybe only in a few months. Maybe also next year. I do not know if today was the end of our friendship. You told me to tell you when I'm not feeling well and that's what I did. I screamed for help, puking my heart at your feet, but it did not help. You said that my pain hurts you. Shouldn't you help me not to feel anymore pain then? why did you leave me alone?

I do not deserve you, I know that now. I told you then that you would leave me. And that's exactly what happened, even though you promised to stay with me. I was always there, always doing my best. I would have gone to the end of the world for you.

Why do I always lose everything? always. I think life is just not made for me. Or I am not made for life. My existence no longer makes sense. I am alone, all alone, lost, the only thing left to me is my broken heart and the memories of happy days that seem so far away.

I have been fighting for so long. I can’t do it anymore, Jaehyun. You have been my rock in the surf for so long and now you have been taken from me. Do you remember when I told you that someone I called my friend did not invite me to her birthday? It seems so ridiculous, but it hurt. Nobody needs me. Nobody likes me.

There are people in the limelight who lead a glittering life. I am the human being hidden in the shadow that has been made so small by all people that he no longer dares to live. Say nothing wrong. Nothing wrong thinking. Stay in the shade, hide yourself.

It just feels like the whole world is against me. Every little criticism or remark makes me go blank because I feel attacked and threatened. I do not mean it, really, but after all that was done to me I just do not expect anything else. Depression feels like a backpack full of bricks that I have to carry around with me every day, it makes me feel like an untalented, ugly, worthless, annoying, disgusting and unlovable human. Others get up in the morning and they know if they feel good or bad, but I feel the same every day. There is a terrible void in me. I can not maintain relationships because I'm unsure. Am I enough? why do I hold this person? I do not deserve love, I'll just destroy that person.

Sometimes I feel like a bulldozer who, without wanting it, destroys everything good. Depression is either crying or quiet to me, no sleep or too much sleep, overeating or starving, unwashed hair and unkempt teeth for days because I can not stand up, bloody skin because I'm scratching myself out of nervousness. Depression is when you love the night because it feels like time stands still and you have no expectations to fulfill. You can just pretend that you are safe in your little ball. Depression is a fear of falling asleep, because one wishes one does not wake up, and the fear of waking up because one has to go through another day. Fear of the future is the worst part of the whole thing.

Why even continue? I do not have a nice future ahead of me anyway. I have no friends, I would be alone all my life. Marriage? as if somebody could ever love you. What is life worth if you are as useless as a single grain of sand in the desert? there are a thousand other grains of sand, my existence is unimportant. If I disappear, it would not make much difference. Depression is the writing of farewell letters because you plan to kill yourself before you spend your life in solitude. Sometimes you get up after days out of bed and look in the mirror to see if you are still there, or you avoid them because you hate so much that you do not want to see anymore. Going out after weeks of isolation almost scares me.

Phone calls? easy for others, for me the sheer horror. I practice what I want to say before calling somebody. Do not make mistakes, otherwise I am worthless. Anything that does not go the way I plan it makes me cry or I get panic attacks. It's not easy to like me, I know that. I make plans to meet with people and immediately regret it. I know I should want to go, I know that's what healthy people do, but I can not. Every social interaction makes me wish I was back in my bed, away from others, because they will hate me at first sight anyway. I try to love someone, but in the end people have a natural aversion to me. It just feels like I have no place in this world. Depression is not the fear of death, but the fear of life.

The last time we talked I told you that I cut myself again. You said you needed time for yourself, although I needed your help so much. It's not your fault, please do not think that. I was just too weak.

In love,  
Taeyong.

**Author's Note:**

> if you want to leave comments, please be kind.  
> Thank you.


End file.
